


Families Come In Odd Sizes

by ViolentMedic



Series: Brothel AU [2]
Category: Red vs. Blue
Genre: Alternate Universe - Brothel, Family-Centric Fic, M/M, Pretty much no actual brothel stuff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-10
Updated: 2014-10-10
Packaged: 2018-02-20 15:09:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2433245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ViolentMedic/pseuds/ViolentMedic
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Some families have a father, a mother and 2.5 kids. And some families have two fathers who met at a brothel and their respective, unrelated children. One of whom is possibly an experimental buttbaby. Also cranky aunts who can bust out suplexes.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Families Come In Odd Sizes

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place after Go Fish, so don't read unless you've already read that. Very little brothel stuff this time. It's more an odd, family-centric fic in which some of the characters just happen to work in a brothel.
> 
> Edit: This fic was edited recently to change Junior from blarghing to speaking sign language. Otherwise it's the same.

Parent Career Day was not something that Tucker had done before. The time when Junior had one, Crunchbite had been an asshole and not told him about it. Like something was wrong with Tucker or his job or whatever. Or maybe because a lot of the kids already knew, since Tucker was a kid's soccer coach. But most likely because he and Crunchbite were never on the best of terms.

The point was that this was an entirely new experience and Tucker, though he didn't want to admit it, was a little bit nervous. The suspicious stare the teacher was giving him wasn't helping.

She'd probably picked up on the fact that Theta wasn't his kid. No shit, lady.

As the current father wrapped up his explanation of what he did (goddamn fancy-ass lawyer, no wonder his kid looked so smug) Theta tugged on Tucker's sleeve.

"We're next." He looked so excited. Apparently, he'd never had anyone to present at Parent Career Day before. North had never gone. Not out of neglect, but because North didn't want to explain his job to children. As for Theta's mother... well, whoever she was, North didn't like to talk about her.

After the scattered, polite applause that followed each presentation, Theta clambered to his feet and tugged Tucker's sleeve again, prompting him to get out of his tiny child-sized chair. Proper-sized chairs had not been supplied to the adults.

Once they were both at the front of the classroom, Theta grinned widely. Loudly and clearly, not at all like his usual shy self because he was just so happy to finally have someone to show, he said, "This is Tucker. He's my second father. He's married to the first one."

Those were not words Tucker ever expected to hear, nor were they true. Not exactly. It was a weird, complicated thing that Tucker did not quite understand himself.

It'd started a few months back.

* * *

Of course, Tucker had known North for a long time before that. He knew everyone at the Mother of Invention, given the sheer amount of time he spent there and his friendship with the guy who managed the finances. Though Church loudly proclaimed hatred of Tucker to anyone who would listen. But come on. Who could hate Tucker? He was awesome.

North, he had only known in passing. 'Oh, hey, it's that guy who's the twin of the angry blonde chick who isn't Tex.' Occasionally they said hi. Normally, if Tucker chose to hang out with any of the guys from there, he chose Wash because he was just so fun to annoy.

Okay, so Tucker's interactions with Wash mostly consisted of breaking into the Mother of Invention's website and changing the measurements on Wash's profile. But that was fun.

So he hadn't really talked to North, nor had North paid any attention to him, until the day Carolina thought it would be funny to send North in a wig up to Tucker's room instead of South. What happened after that Tucker would vehemently deny if Church started making fun at him for it, or claim that North's cross-dressing was so good he actually believed he was South. Not true, although North was pretty good at it. But not perfect.

The point was that cross-dressing blowjobs was a weird as hell start. Or it would be if that was where it actually started. But that only laid the ground for them weirdly acknowledging each other.

What really started it was Tucker bumping into Theta in the restaurant that was attached to the brothel, while he was waiting for North to finish work. That, in turn, led to a conversation with North about good middle schools where the staff knew sign language.

And then the talks just continued.

Whenever Tucker and North passed each other in the brothel, and this happened a lot, they would end up talking. Usually about child-raising stuff. Good after-school activities, how to convince their kids to eat their damn vegetables or do their homework and so on. North knew a lot. More than Tucker did. Tucker wasn't terrible with kids or anything, but he'd take all the help he could get.

And that's how things went for a couple of months. Until North asked Tucker a particular question.

"Do you know any good babysitters?"

Tucker raised an eyebrow as North flopped onto the plush seat beside him. Tucker was just waiting for one of the ladies to be free. Preferably South. He admittedly felt a little weird having North sitting next to him, tight pants and all, while trying to hire his sister.

"Not really. I usually leave Junior with Crunchbite if I have something on, but Crunchbite's a dick."

"Darn."

"I thought you had a babysitter."

North let out a sigh and crossed his arms. "South may or may not have scared her away. It's easier not to ask questions."

"Heh. Yeah, I can see that. I mean, I like a bit of scariness in a woman but—"

"Please don't."

"Okay, okay." Tucker shifted a little in order to cross his legs. Not that he thought he was in danger of an awkward boner or anything. It was just habit, because North had ridiculously amazing legs and inside the brothel he tended to wear clothes that advertised it. And not that Tucker was gay or anything, but those legs would look great on a cactus. Best to be prepared.

"Anyway, I can't leave Theta on his own. It's not that I don't trust him. It's just he hates to be left at home by himself. Some afternoons he works in the restaurant, sweeping the floor and stuff. But he can't do that every day."

"Can't you get South to watch him?" North gave him a look. "You're right, I feel dumb just suggesting that."

"She's not maternal. Besides, we earn more money if we're available during the same shifts." North lightly shivered. "Have to pay the rent one way or another."

"I feel you. Bow chika—wait, no. No, no," Tucker hurriedly said. North didn't remark on it, except to grin and wiggle his eyebrows slightly. "Oh, shut up."

"I didn't say anything."

"You were thinking it."

"A little bit."

"Anyway... well, you need a babysitter for the afternoon-evening sort of time, right? Why don't you just leave him with me? I run kid's soccer at that time some of the week, and the rest of it I'm taking care of Junior anyway. Just throw a bit of money at me, I'll do it. Does Theta like soccer?"

"I don't think he minds it..."

"Besides. Junior needs more kids to hang out with."

"Theta would probably prefer other kids being around..." North mulled it over before grinning. "Alright. We have a deal."

"Sweet. Mind you, the deal'd be sweeter if you included a discount on some time with South in the payment."

"I'm suddenly reconsidering."

"I'm kidding. Mostly."

* * *

The first day of babysitting, during the soccer practice, Tucker thought he'd lost Theta almost immediately. He may have had a slight heart attack, thinking it would be like that time one of the kids wandered off and... well, long story short they'd been a crafty kid who'd managed to steal Tucker's car keys and now he wasn't allowed to bring any vehicles near the school.

As it turned out, that wasn't the issue. Theta was just very shy, around both Tucker and the mass of children he didn't know, and had retreated to hide near the bleachers.

"Theta, come on! You're not gonna get any better at soccer hiding over there!"

Theta peeked out from around the corner and shook his head. Tucker let out a huffy sigh and looked at the mass of children. Junior was among them, along with his friends. Tucker scratched his head with a frown before grinning at them. As he spoke, he also signed it out with his hands. Junior could hear, even if he couldn't speak, but he'd made friends with some deaf kids that he'd brought along.

"Alright, so no offence. But last tournament, you guys totally sucked. But! That's okay! Because everyone sucks at first! Some people never stop being shi—terrible. But you guys are like... you're going to be so awesome. Right? High fives." After a long chain of high fives, he told them to do a few laps around the field. "And don't pass out from exhaustion, your parents will kill me and there will be no more soccer practice, okay?"

Once the other kids were running, Tucker approached Theta's hiding spot.

"Do you hate soccer that much?"

"I like soccer," Theta mumbled.

"Then what's up?" Tucker sat down on the grass nearby.

"There's a lot of people out there. And it felt like they were staring."

"Hey, they got no right to stare. A lot of them look way more ridiculous. Junior has blue hair! Never figured out why that is, didn't think you could pass something like that down through genetics. You're fine. They will only stare at you if you do something stupid like wear your pants on your head. And underpants on your head? They will point and laugh. Trust me, I know." There was a quiet, stifled laugh from Theta's hiding spot. "But besides that? You'll be fine, kid."

Theta still didn't want to leave his hiding spot. But he promised not to run away. Tucker went back to coaching the other kids, but kept an eye on Theta whenever he could.

When practice was over, and everyone else was being picked up by their parents, Tucker returned to Theta's hiding spot.

"You can't hide there forever. I gotta go home, and it's my job to watch you."

Junior jogged over, covered in mud from practice. Tucker wasn't sure how Junior ended up so mud-coated after every practice, but it happened without fail. Junior looked up at Tucker.

" _Why's he hiding?_ " Junior signed. Tucker responded in sign language as well, because conversations went a lot easier if they were both speaking the same language.

" _Theta's just nervous, Junior. It's cool._ " Tucker looked back to Theta. "We're cool, right?"

Theta peered out and nodded. He was staring at Junior, shifting nervously. He'd been focused on Junior's hands as he spoke. Junior stared back before grinning. Junior had oddly sharp teeth, and seeing that made Theta recoil a little. But Junior approached him anyway.

Junior signed a long chain of babble at Theta, but only got a confused look in response. At which point he motioned for Theta to hang on a second before retrieving the notepad he carried around with him for when someone didn't know sign language. He scribbled down some words before shoving them at Theta. Tucker didn't get a chance to look at the notepad, but Junior was clearly being friendly. Once Theta realised Junior wasn't going to bite him with those teeth, he started to edge out of the hiding spot. It was slow. Tucker sat down and waited. It took a couple of minutes for Theta to fully emerge. Junior kept scribbling words down, while Theta replied with the occasional 'yeah' or 'okay.'

"So, you're both cool with hanging out, right?" Tucker asked, once Theta was out.

Theta watched Junior for a few moments before slowly saying, "He seems okay. I think."

Junior gave Tucker a thumbs up.

"Alright, let's head back, then. Only rule when we get back is 'don't touch my collection of DVDs.' It's, uh... it's a special collection that kids aren't allowed to watch."

"My aunt has a collection like that," Theta said seriously. "She said the same thing."

"Seriously, South does? I should ask her about that, see if she'll lend me anything."

* * *

Tucker ended up babysitting Theta a lot. Once Theta got over his initial shyness, he and Junior hit it off pretty well. Sometimes North returned the favour, but he couldn't much. He had a demanding job, and Tucker had a lot of free time.

It was a little more difficult when Junior was living with his other dad. Theta was always quieter when that happened, though he wasn't completely silent. Those were typically the days where he focused more on finishing his homework.

Turned out that Theta was crazy smart. Tucker tried to help, but a lot of the homework was beyond him.

"This isn't for your age group, is it?" Tucker asked, peering over Theta's shoulder as he sat on the sofa in Tucker's apartment. He was finishing up a worksheet of math problems.

"It's higher. I get a lot of advanced work," Theta said, as he scribbled answers. "They thought about moving me up a class, but I didn't want to."

"Why not?"

"If I go up more classes, I have more work sooner. And then I have less time to play with fireworks."

"...I like that logic."

"Right?" Theta completed his math sheet and put it in his bag, before rifling around for the rest of his homework. After a few moments, he frowned.

"Mr. Tucker?"

"Ugh, don't say Mr. It makes me feel like a teacher, and that is something I never want to be."

"You teach soccer, though."

"Doesn't count. What's up?"

"I left one of my books at home."

"Do you need it right now?" Theta wore an expression that said he really wanted it right now, but didn't want to insist on it because he didn't want to be rude. "Alright, we'll go get it. You'd have to give me your address. Do you have keys?"

"Yes. Papa gave them to me in case I couldn't have a babysitter, so I could let myself in."

"Sweet."

* * *

North had a decent-looking place. Though there was a lot more purple than Tucker appreciated. Theta seemed to relax significantly the moment he was on more familiar ground, a bit more bounce in his step as he ran into his room. Stopping at the doorframe, Tucker looked at the posters of skaters and superheroes that covered up the majority of the wallpaper, though what little that peeked through was as vividly purple as the rest of the apartment. The room was significantly tidier than Junior's.

"I thought all kids were messy."

"I don't like mess. Neither does Aunt—found my book!" Theta retrieved his workbook and bounced back. "Um. Are we going back? Can we stay? I'm sure it would be okay."

"What's wrong with my apartment?"

Theta shrugged. "Nothing. I just like it here better."

"Eh. I'm cool with it. Let's raid the fridge." Tucker ran for the kitchen, Theta following him and clinging to his book. Several items in the fridge had post-it notes attached, that said, 'Eat This And You Die.' Tucker would have bet the price of five visits to the brothel that South had written those.

Theta trotted over and pointed at some little cups of pudding. "Those are my puddings. You can have one."

"Really? Sweet. Thanks." Tucker retrieved one for himself and one for Theta, handing it over. "Where are the spoons? Is that why you prefer it here? Because you can find all the cutlery?"

It was mostly quiet again soon after, with Theta retreating to the sofa and Tucker wandering around the room, looking at everything. There were a series of photos on a table nearby. Most of them were of North and Theta, or North and South. There seemed to be few of South and Theta. Tucker figured it was because South was the least maternal person he'd ever met. The fact that Theta could apparently look at her and not cry spoke volumes for how tough that kid must be.

He also saw other people in the pictures. Some of them people from the brothel, some others that Tucker assumed were just random friends. But he noticed that there seemed to be no relatives. Or at least none that were obvious. No blond hair or blue eyes like either of the twins. Nor was there anyone who had Theta's red hair and purple eyes.

"Are your grandparents in any of these pictures, Theta?" Tucker asked. Theta shook his head without looking up.

"I don't have grandparents that like me. Papa hates them and says we're better off without them, and Aunt South said that they should die in a fire."

"Wow. Not friendly, then?" Tucker had a hard time imagining North hating anyone, though South's comment seemed about right.

"No."

"That sucks. I gotta pee, where's the bathroom?"

"Across from my room, one down."

"Thanks, kid."

Tucker wandered out of the room and headed for the bathroom, only to be suddenly grabbed from behind. Before he could even go 'what the fuck is this horseshit' the world was flipping upside down and he was slammed into the floor.

It was not a pleasant experience.

"Ow, fuck! What the—SOUTH, WHAT THE FUCK? DID YOU JUST SUPLEX ME?"

"Did you break into my apartment, lech?!" South yelled. She had a foot over his throat. "How'd you find my address? How'd you get in?"

"Chill! Chill, just—ow, fuck, I think you broke my neck!"

"If I'd broken your neck, you'd be dead! Still considering it!"

"He's okay! Tucker's babysitting!" Theta had appeared nearby, looking terrified. The moment he appeared, South went from angry to awkward-looking. Like she'd been caught doing something she shouldn't have.

"Babysitting?"

"I broke something," Tucker whined, rolling around on the floor.

"Oh, right, I forgot North had that deal with you. ...He didn't say he gave you the keys. Fucking dipshit, he should have asked me."

"Um... that was me," Theta added sheepishly. "I... kind of needed my English book."

South went red in the face, like she was going to yell at him. Theta stepped back, looking frightened, and South shut her eyes and opened them again. Deep breath.

"Whatever," she said after a long pause. "Well, that was your own damn fault, Tucker."

"You're so full of it," Tucker grumbled. South stepped back enough for him to get to his feet.

"Are you okay, Tucker?" Theta asked.

"Eugh... I guess."

"You're not gonna sue me or anything, are you?" South asked suspiciously.

"Well... we could always make a settlement. I'll go with either a free session at your workplace—" Tucker wiggled his eyebrows and South rolled her eyes in response. "—or I'll settle for you lending me some stuff from your 'adult DVD collection.'"

"How did—ugh, whatever. Just don't tell North I suplexed you, and I'll lend you some stuff, lech."

"Sweet." Tucker turned back to Theta. "You good by yourself for a few minutes?"

"Yes. ...Are you really okay?"

"Totally. I'm way tougher than I look," Tucker bragged. Once Theta had turned around and left, Tucker's confident grin vanished. "Jesus fucking Christ, that hurt. Man, I gotta tell Church that those self-defence classes work really well."

It was a well-known fact among the clientele that the Director, rather than hire a lot of security guards, made it compulsory for employees to train in some form of unarmed combat before taking a job at the Mother of Invention. Carolina had once said that there were less serious incidents if the prostitutes could fight people off themselves. She herself had been rumored to have thrown a particularly violent client out a window, though no charges had been pressed.

"Yeah, well, I don't get to show off much. Goddamn fun, actually."

"Don't do it again. Please?"

"Fine, fine, don't want North getting all bitchy at me because I broke his boyfriend."

"I'm not gay."

"Sure you aren't. Come on, asshole."

The first words upon Tucker entering South's room were, "Why the fuck is this entire house purple?"

"I don't question your interior decorating skills, dick." South unlocked a drawer and opened it, gesturing at it. "Two. You can borrow two."

"Three. You broke my neck."

"Two."

Tucker slid over, grinning as he started poking around South's collection. He thought maybe it'd help him figure out what she liked in bed. That was knowledge that it couldn't hurt to have.

"Got it... got it... oh, sweet, haven't seen that one... got it... huh."

As it turns out, there was one huge tip-off. The absolute lack of any kind of dick, barring the plastic vibrating kind.

"...Are you a lesbian?"

South sarcastically applauded him. "Well done. What tipped you off?"

"Huh. Never... it just never entered my mind before, that's all." Suddenly, Tucker felt incredibly uncomfortable, thinking about the many occasions that he'd hired her. "I just thought... I mean, guys hire you all the time."

"That's a job. You think I'm saying no to that much money? North has that problem, too. He's just as straight-for-pay as I am. It's just that in his case it tends to involve less sex and a lot more lonely middle-aged ladies who want someone to cuddle."

"Seriously? North?"

"Come on, you're dating him and you didn't notice?"

"We're not dating! And he has a kid, how can he be gay?"

South snorted. "You have a kid, you don't see me questioning you."

"Okay, now that's a completely different thing that I don't feel like explaining."

"Anyway, maybe there were a lot of assholes who were all, 'hey, you can't say you're gay unless you've tried straight sex, because how do you know?' It's absolute fucking horseshit, but North was just such a dipshit back then. And of course, bam! Surprise baby! Fucking great job there."

Tucker had gone back to poking through South's porn collection, only half-listening to her. He'd gotten distracted by the quality of the DVDs. "Where did you get 'Lesbian Sleepovers #3?' I can only find 1, 2 and 4 onwards."

* * *

Tucker now appreciated that Theta was actually very talkative around him. Because he didn't direct any conversation at South for the rest of the afternoon. Once he'd finished his homework, he turned the television on and started watching a Spider-Man cartoon. Which resulted in an argument.

"Spider-Man is nowhere near as good as Batman!" Tucker insisted. "Spider-Man's got webs, big deal. And he does that dumbass dance in the third movie, what was up with that? Did Batman ever do a dumbass dance?"

"Batman has no powers and he sounds silly," Theta retorted.

"Okay, point to the second part but that was Nolan movies only."

"If you can bring up movies, so can I."

"Alright, fine, but—" Tucker's mobile went off. "—aw, man. To be continued." Tucker answered it. "Sup?"

"Where are you? I've been knocking at your apartment for five minutes." That was North's voice.

"What? I'm at your place."

"...Why are you there?"

"Theta forgot a schoolbook."

"Oh. South didn't hurt you, did she?"

"Uh... noooo?" Tucker lied. South would probably take back the DVDs he'd borrowed if he told. "Nah, she didn't suplex me at all." Tucker made a thumbs up gesture at South, who was in a nearby chair. She flipped him off.

"That's weirdly specific. I'll be back in a few minutes. If South's there, you can leave. Theta'll be fine."

"Alright. Later." Tucker hung up. "Hey, Theta. Your dad's gonna be back in a few minutes, so I'm gonna go, alright?"

Theta clung to his sleeve while he tried to get up. "But Spider-Man isn't over."

"Yeah, well... Spider-Man's not great."

"Spider-Man is the greatest. Can you please stay until Spider-Man is over?"

Tucker raised an eyebrow, then turned and looked at South. South just shrugged at him, and Tucker turned back. Jamming a thumb over his shoulder, he asked quietly, "You're not scared of being left alone with South, right? Scared of the shark lady?"

"I'm not a shark," South grumbled. "You're thinking of that jerk from the Staff of Charon."

"No. She's not scary. She's just not as fun," Theta whispered. "Pleeeeeease?"

Tucker had nothing to do at home, anyway.

"Okay, fine. But Batman's still better."

When North walked in the door and found Tucker and Theta still arguing about which superhero was better, he seemed mildly confused for a moment. Tucker, mid-sentence through all the awesome shit that Batman had ever done, shrugged. North looked back at South, who just rolled her eyes.

"Can he stay until the end of Spider-Man?" Theta asked, putting on huge puppy-dog eyes. Junior and Caboose were both skilled at the same gesture (though Caboose's didn't work on Tucker.) North grinned.

"Didn't know you were so attached. Don't have to ask, Theta, he can stay as long as he likes."

"Oh god, do you know what you've done," South muttered under her breath. "He's never going to leave now."

* * *

Tucker did leave eventually, but that did mark the point where he started to spend a lot more time at the Dakota's apartment. It was a bit roomier than Tucker's little apartment, which only fit Tucker and Junior, and most of Junior's stuff was at his other dad's house since he spent slightly more time there. So, though he forgot to run the idea past either North or South first, he also started bringing Junior there when he was babysitting both.

North didn't mind. South bitched about it a lot.

Theta started emerging from his hiding spot when Tucker was running soccer practices, and after a couple of months had joined in proper. He was still one of the quieter kids, but he didn't shy away from any conversation at all now.

It didn't take long for him and Junior to start mucking around together while Tucker was keeping an eye on them. With Theta trying to teach Junior how to skateboard and Junior dragging Theta into drawing elaborate chalk doodles on the sidewalk. Theta seemed to pick up sign language in no time at all, soon chatting away with Junior fluently. Smart kid.

One day, a late babysitting job turned into Theta and Junior bouncing on Theta's bed and insisting on a sleepover because, apparently, 'Junior was too sleepy to travel all the way home.' Tucker couldn't be bothered to point out that it was a five minute drive at most, and that if Junior had enough energy to bounce on a bed he had enough energy to sit in a car.

When North arrived back at the apartment, Tucker greeted him by saying, "The kids have taken over. I'm not allowed to take Junior home now."

"Yeah?"

"Theta was very insistent."

North stuck his head into Theta's room. "Theta, kidnapping guests is rude."

"It's not kidnapping. They agreed. You can't kidnap someone if they're okay with it," Theta insisted.

Junior grinned and made a thumbs up to confirm his willingness to be kidnapped for a sleepover.

"You're not staying up late."

"But, Papaaaa," Theta whined. Junior echoed the sentiment with exaggerated, annoyed hand gestures.

"You've got school tomorrow. You're going to bed at the regular time, or no more sleepovers in the future. Alright?" North said sternly. Theta let out a huff of breath.

"Okay."

North shut the door again and shrugged at Tucker. "South's not here tonight, so at least she won't get mad about the noise." He yawned loudly, before adding, "Hopefully I won't fall asleep before they do. You want to stay for a bit? I haven't seen anyone outside the brothel in weeks. Hell, I barely see you inside it. Which is weird, actually. You're normally there all the time."

"Yeaaaah, well... uh. Busy," Tucker mumbled, as he followed North into the kitchen.

"Busy? You only work in the afternoons. Even then only sometimes. Unless you have a different job I don't know about."

"Nah, most of what I live off is like... stock market stuff? I just ask Caboose what I should invest in. He's always right somehow, even though he can't pronounce the word 'economy.'"

"Seriously?"

"Yeah, it's like... first time I asked, he told me to buy gold? And when I asked why, he gave me this long, babbly explanation that I didn't get at all. But it sounded like it made sense, even though he ended with 'also, gold is shiny.' Anyway, I just went 'fuck it' and it turned out really well. That's the thing about Caboose, it's always mind-numbing stupidity or absolute genius. Never in-between."

"Guess that explains how you have the time to be a full-time babysitter. I swear you're in my apartment more than I am. Is Junior okay with spaghetti?"

"Yeah, he's not fussy. He'll eat anything. Once he tried to eat tinfoil. Motherfucking tinfoil. Spaghetti's fine."

"Great. Theta can be a picky eater so it's kind of a relief not to have that doubled." North shoved a pot into Tucker's hands. "Fill that with water."

"Yeah, yeah. ...Are you luring me into staying longer with the promise of food?"

"Yep."

"You bastard."

"I'm the most diabolical of people," North said, straight-faced. "But seriously, so what's kept you busy?"

"Ehhhh..." Tucker wrinkled his nose and shrugged as he filled up the pot with water. "Okay, nothing. I lied. Just feels weird."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah, like..." Tucker dumped the pot on the stove. "Okay, so the best women at the Mother of Invention are Tex, C.T and... well, South. Uh, you want me to stop there?"

"Just... try to keep it clean, okay?"

"Right. Well, I can't hire Tex."

"Because of Church?"

"It's not like he could say anything if I did. But that's the bro code, isn't it? You don't bang guys that your friends are into, even if it's some weird not-an-actual-relationship thing that's just kinda creepy."

"Yeah, I feel you."

"Bow chika bow—wait, no."

"Heh. But yeah, continue."

"So then there's C.T. And her insane boyfriend already chases me around with heavy objects, even when I'm not hiring her. And I don't want to die."

"What is up with that? He doesn't do that to anyone else. Did you do something to piss him off?"

"No! I don't think so... I mean, maybe? I piss off a lot of people sometimes. So, anyway, that basically narrows my choice down to—" Tucker waved his hand awkwardly. "Y'know."

"South."

"Right. Sorry, I'm used to brothers punching me in the face if I mention anything. Do you know how many times Grif has chased me down because occasionally me and Sister hook up?"

"South chose to do this job. Talking her out of it didn't work back then. No point in trying now, we're locked into contracts."

"Anyway, now hiring South is weird, because I know she's a lesbian and thus she couldn't be less into it. Makes me feel gross."

North looked sideways at him as he fiddled around with the dials on the oven. "Most don't care."

"They probably don't know."

"No. Some know. And very specifically don't care." For a moment North had this blazing look in his eyes. It was sudden enough that it spooked Tucker a bit. "Hell, our own boss is one of them. Him and his... blond thing."

"I've only met the old man once. But I just have to look at how fucking messed up that whole family is to know he's a creepy bag of dicks," Tucker mumbled. "Just tell him to shove off, like Tex does."

"Things that Tex can do are not things the rest of us can do easily." The angry look had faded as quickly as it appeared, leaving Tucker to think he'd imagined it.

"That's bullshit."

"No, that's some very weird form of nepotism. Or favoritism. Maybe. Honestly I don't really want to think about what it is. Don't worry about it. It's a job. We're used to it." North started retrieving ingredients for the spaghetti. When he saw Tucker still frowning at him he added, "If you want a lady, I'd recommend Virginia. I hear good things. She's good with her hands."

"And not secretly a lesbian?"

"Not to my knowledge. I'll ask. If you don't want that, I can always put a skirt on."

"You can't just win me over by saying 'I'll put on a skirt.'"

"Heels, too."

"You make a compelling argument."

* * *

As it turns out, there were some things that Tucker and North didn't agree on. Like what a good story has in it.

"'They crept slowly towards them, in a single line, each touching the back of the one in front. When they got near Thorin said: "No rushing forward this time! No-one is to stir from hiding till I say. I shall send Mr. Baggins alone first to talk to them. They won't be frightened of him—'"

"Can't you skip ahead to the part where something happens?"

"Tucker, will you stop?"

"All that's happened so far is the fat dwarf falling in a river," Tucker complained. "Did that happen in the movie? I only saw the first, because it was so fu—freaking long. But he was a badass in that. Just rammed them like some bearded rolling boulder. The one in this is only a boulder in that he's heavy as hell."

"This isn't the movie! It's a children's book!"

Theta and Junior were watching North and Tucker argue, wrapped up in blankets. Junior looked at Theta and signed something to him that made Theta start grinning and Tucker start frowning.

"Why you gotta betray me like that, Junior?" Tucker grumbled.

"Hm? What'd he say?" North asked.

"Junior said that Tucker complains about everything that doesn't have enough swords, lasers or sound effects," Theta explained, trying not to laugh.

"That's because they make the best stories!"

"There's a big battle eventually, Tucker! Just takes a while to get to it," North sighed.

"The one at the end of the book? That was mostly skipped over because Bilbo got knocked out almost immediately," Theta said quietly.

"Seriously? This story sucks," Tucker grumbled. "I can do better." When North gave him a disbelieving look, he said, "Move over. Gimme the storytelling chair, I wanna try."

* * *

"And with the unholy allegiance of pirates and robots from the future defeated, the Avengers returned home and partied with Wonder Woman, who had transferred over to their universe because Superman and Batman were hogging all the limelight. And all was right in the world."

There was silence. Then Theta said, "I'm really confused. None of that made sense."

North, who'd been sitting in the corner observing, started laughing.

"Why did the killer robots need to team up with pirates? Couldn't they build their own boats?" Theta asked. Junior started signing his own concerns at the same time, and he and Theta quickly got involved in a discussion of which part of Tucker's terrible mishmash of movies he'd watched in the last year was the most confusing.

"Okay. The Hobbit wins," Tucker grumbled. "Go to bed!"

"But what happened to the kaijus from the middle part?"

" _Pirate ships are too small to fight kaijus, Dad._ "

"What he said. Did the pirates come back? Did they send anyone else?"

"Bed!"

* * *

Tucker decided that going home that late was too much of a bother and stole a wad of blankets from a closet, dragging them to the sofa and wrapping himself up.

"I would have given you the bed," North sighed.

"Nah, man. Sofas are for guests. Kicking people onto the sofa is a douchebag move."

"I don't mind sharing—"

"I'm not climbing into bed with you. Blowjobs are one thing, but cuddling? Way too intimate."

"...Right."

* * *

Tucker did not anticipate waking up to someone using him as a footrest.

"Hey, I'm sleeping here," Tucker grumbled, wrapping himself up more in the blankets. South rolled her eyes, shifting a little but not moving her legs off him. She'd sprawled out on the over side of the sofa, her feet annoyingly close to Tucker's face.

"Sofas don't talk. You slept there, you should have thought about the risks. Now shut up. I've missed the last two episodes of Game of Thrones and I need to catch up before York decides to be an asswipe and spoil it again."

"What time is it?" Tucker mumbled.

"Uh. Four in the morning? Hey, I'm not waiting until Theta leaves for school. Now shut it."

It was very difficult to sleep with Game of Thrones blaring in his face. Nor could Tucker be bothered to move, because he'd lose all the blanket warmth. He resigned himself to watching instead of sleeping.

Wasn't so bad. Lots of sword fights and tits. At least South wasn't watching a soap opera or something, something that Tucker had to put up with if he hung out with Donut.

"I like your taste in shows," Tucker said. "But I have no idea what's going on or who any of these people are."

"I'm not backing up just because you're confused. There's DVDs on the shelf."

"Are there this many tits in the rest of it?"

"Oh yeah. Big time."

"Awesomeeee."

* * *

Most of the time, Theta was happy to hang around with Tucker. Sometimes, however, he had moody days. Although Tucker agreeing to take him and Junior to the a nearby park, with a lot of room to skateboard on the way, did cheer him up some.

"What's got you grumpy, anyway?"

Tucker was giving Junior a piggy back ride, despite the fact that Junior was a bit too big for it. Theta was riding along on his skateboard, although he regularly messed up. He was wearing all the elbow and knee pads, at least, so he had yet to scrape himself up.

"Papa's working all the time. I like you, but I like Papa. And he's never there," Theta said mournfully.

Tucker wondered if Theta had any idea what his dad did for a living. "Well, I'm sure he'd explain. But, well... y'know... it's a hard-to-explain job?"

"I know what Papa does."

"Uh. You do?"

"Papa said that lonely people visit him, and he spends time with them and makes them happy again."

Tucker supposed that wasn't a lie.

"I just don't get why Papa spends all this time making other people happy, without doing the same for me."

Tucker almost dropped Junior, half-mortified and half-amused. "Jesus. Okay, never phrase it like that again."

"Why?"

"Trust me, what he does is a... different kind of happy." Theta seemed puzzled about this. No way was Tucker going to explain further, though. "It's... only for older people. Anyway, he's gotta make other people happy—god, North would pick that phrasing, wouldn't he? He's got to do that. It's his job. He doesn't get to control the hours."

"Why not?"

"He's not the boss."

"What if Papa asked really nicely?"

"It doesn't work that way. Seriously, your dad is like the nicest dad I've ever met. He'd hang out with you all the time if he could, I bet." Tucker pulled a face and added, "My ma was never around either. It does suck."

"It totally sucks," Theta said quietly.

"...Do you want to let off some fireworks later?"

"Yes."

* * *

One day, early in the morning, Tucker was raiding the fridge and inwardly debating on how many kicks to the crotch he was willing to withstand in exchange for drinking the beer labeled as South's. Both twins had been on a night shift, so he'd taken the kids to school.

As he pondered the beer/ball-kicking ratio, he heard the door slam open. Tucker backed away from the fridge immediately, because normally anger that obvious heralded South's arrival. So he was surprised to see North stomp into the kitchen, grumbling under his breath.

"Sick, fucked up son of a—" North stopped abruptly on seeing Tucker. His expression, twisted into a furious grimace, changed to one of irritable confusion. "...Theta's not home, is he? He hates it when I slam doors."

"He's at school, dude."

"Right... right, I just lose track of... ugh, nevermind." Back to pure anger. North opened the fridge and swiped the beer that Tucker had been eying.

"South'll kick you in the balls if you drink her stuff," Tucker pointed out.

"Not after today she won't."

"Why? What went down?"

"Ugh... unfortunately, it's really classified because of some kind of confidentiality rule... long story short, the Director's an asshole. Look, don't pry into it, this stuff happens all the time. Doesn't mean I have to fucking like it." North opened the beer and chugged half of it. "Just because he thinks he doesn't have to compensate us for skipping clients to cater to his stupid blond—" North stopped and took a deep breath. "I need to stop talking."

"Sounds rough, whatever it is."

"I hate this job," North muttered, before gulping down the rest of the beer.

Tucker was quietly edging away from North. He hadn't been sure that North had a temper before this. In hindsight, it was obvious. How could anyone be related to South and not have anger buried deep down. And even now, it looked like North was keeping a lot of it inside. His knuckles were white and he was still taking deep breaths.

When North looked over at Tucker, his expression changed a little. Still a lot of anger beneath the surface. But more thoughtful.

"Hey, Tucker?"

"Yeah?"

"...You want to, uh... do you want to have sex?"

Tucker didn't answer for a few moments. Once he was sure he hadn't misheard, he eyed North doubtfully. "Blunt, dude. Didn't you just say you hated your job? Isn't your entire job banging people? Why would you go 'I hate my job' and then immediately propose sex?"

"My job isn't to bang you specifically." North leaned against the kitchen counter, observing Tucker. The look in his eyes was strangely intense. "Look, you don't have to say yes. I just..." He shrugged, not looking away. "I need to let off steam. And I just need to... to do something that my job isn't making me do. Like how normal people do this."

"Wouldn't call 'banging the babysitter' normal. That's more of a porno scenario."

"Well, it's not a porno scenario that anyone's paying for. You in?"

Tucker leaned against the wall and met North's intense stare. He waited for the usual 'no homo' panic to set in. However, if it was there it seemed to be lagging behind because this seemed like a decent idea to him. He grinned. "Do I get to be on top?"

"Top, bottom, diagonal, I don't care. Anything."

_Where are you, straightness? Last chance to say anything. Speak now or forever hold your peace? ...Nothing? Screw you, then. Or rather, screw him. Bow chika bow wow._

"Okay, I'm in—"

The words weren't even properly out of his mouth before North grabbed Tucker and yanked him forward. Tucker hadn't kissed a guy before. Blowjobs was as far as it went, and well... wasn't like he was doing the gay thing if someone was giving him the blowjob.

Still, he knew enough about how North normally operated to know that, at least at work, North was all soft and gentle and all about technique in the sack. He'd heard it from Sister, who was a big fan of both Dakota twins. (Sister was a fan of every hooker in the city, though. She even had good things to say about Wash.)

No gentleness and technique here. The kisses were rough and sloppy. North quickly snaked one arm around Tucker's waist, the other hand gripping the back of his neck. It kind of hurt, because his nails were digging in. It was like North was drowning and Tucker was one of those plastic floaties.

Tucker grinned wolfishly and leaned forward, scraping his teeth lightly along North's neck. He felt an appreciative shudder from North as he pushed Tucker against the wall. He let go of Tucker's waist only to start trying to undo the front of Tucker's pants, moving his head down and laying kisses along the side of his neck. Clearly not in the mood to waste time.

"You know—fuck, do that again." He felt North grin before he nipped near Tucker's jaw. "Goddamn. Much as I don't want to stop, if South walks in and finds us humping in the kitchen—I mean, we fucking eat in here—"

"Good point."

Tucker had not thought the response would be for North to bend down, grab Tucker by the waist and hoist him over his shoulder like a sack of flour.

"Hey, hey, hey! I can walk!"

"Too slow," North growled, heading for the bedroom.

* * *

Afterwards Tucker was sure of one thing. He had not been on top for any of that. Sure, he had never had a dick in his ass the entire way through. But having a dick in someone's ass and being the dominant partner had turned out to be different things.

"You cheated. I wanted to be on top," Tucker grumbled, one hand behind his head as he stared at the ceiling.

"I didn't hear you complaining during." North was lying on his front, half-hugging the pillow he was laying on. His bad mood had largely evaporated. Letting off some steam had gone well, and now he was grinning at Tucker. Glazed eyes and a sleepy expression indicated that he had worn himself out. Anger was exhausting.

"Yeah, well, didn't say it was bad. Just that it wasn't what was promised. I mean, say I ask for one ton of gold and you instead give me enough silver to equal the price of one ton of gold. It might be worth the same and thus just as good, but I'd still be like 'where the fuck is my gold?'"

North's grin got a lot more sheepish. "I might have gotten... a bit over-enthusiastic."

"Yeah, a little? Try 'holy crap if this goes any longer and rougher my dick's probably going to fall off.'"

North buried his face in the pillow. His next words came out muffled.

"What was that?"

North lifted his head a little so he could be heard better. "Was it weird?"

Tucker mulled the question over for a bit. "...Maybe a little. I mean, it was hella different. Because, you know... double the dicks I'm accustomed to, and the only time I've been on the receiving end of nearly that much energy was Sister after she had a dry spell."

"Sister has dry spells?"

"Anything longer than a week. Anyhow, it's all good."

"Okay. Good." North yawned before adding, "I'd be down with doing this again in the future, by the way."

"Hell yeah."

Sleepy, comfortable silence followed. Tucker might have nodded off for a little while. He was certain North did. Then they were both woken up by the sound of the front door slamming open. The footsteps were light and numerous enough to indicate it was Theta and Junior. Immediately, though with noticeable difficulty, North sat up.

"I can take care of the kids. You can sleep longer if you want," Tucker volunteered. "I mean, bad day and all."

"And miss time with them? Are you kidding?" North located his pants and started pulling them back on. "Besides, part of the reason I wanted to blow off steam. So I wouldn't scare Theta. He knows when I'm angry. Normally I just go for a jog or whatever. This works way better."

"So what, I'm a treadmill?"

"A sexy treadmill. ...That didn't make sense, I'm sorry."

"Because it was a compliment, I'll let it slide."

* * *

Three months later South asked, "When's the wedding?"

"Wha?"

Tucker was lying on the floor, peering at the back of the television and trying to figure out where to plug in his X-Box. He'd brought it over because 1) sometimes he got bored while babysitting, and 2) the kids would enjoy it anyway. He knew North was around, but he hadn't noticed South until she'd spoken.

"I asked when the wedding was. Are you and North not going to sleep in the same bed until you're married? Aww, that's sweet. Old-fashioned and kinda pointless given the whole 'him sucking your dick while wearing a skirt' thing, but sweet. Makes me want to puke."

"We're... not getting married?"

"Oh. Just shacking up?"

"No! A little bit. It's irrelevant. I just... what are you even talking about?"

"Well, I figured since you've moved in and all, and since I certainly didn't give the go-ahead. Not that I really care, because hey. Could be worse brother-in-laws out there. At least you have an appreciation for battle-heavy shows and decent pornography. It was probably either this or some dude from the brothel. And, well... Wash is a dickwad, York tells dumb stories and he's always spoiling my favourite shows, Wyoming's mustache hair gets everywhere and Florida makes great pancakes but he never stops singing in the mornings and it's fucking annoying. Maine would be passable, but he doesn't babysit."

"I didn't move in! I have my own apartment! I just babysit a lot, that's all. Sometimes I stay the night because it's easier. What's the big deal?"

"Theta and Junior are at school, they're not even here right now!"

"I'm setting up the X-Box in advance!"

"Oh my god, you really have no idea." South snickered before glancing around. "You have been sleeping on that couch every day for the last two weeks. Before that, any days you weren't there were rare. You keep bringing your shit over here and never taking it back to your apartment. Hell, I keep finding your underwear in weird places, what is up with that?"

"You know, I legitimately have no idea about the underwear thing. That just kind of happens."

"You have as much food in the fridge labeled as yours as I do. I ate your leftover Chinese food anyway, by the way."

"You bitch! I was saving that—oh my god, I have moved in." Tucker would have had to sit down really fast if he hadn't already been lying on the floor. He hadn't noticed at all. He'd just kind of quietly accepted being at North's apartment so much.

"Hah. Told you."

Tucker stared at the ceiling for a bit, frowning. Then he sat up. "Don't break my shit, I gotta... uh... where's North?"

South shrugged before turning in the direction of the rest of the apartment and yelling, "Hey, North! Your fiance's looking for you!"

"I'm in the kitchen!" North shouted back.

Tucker clambered to his feet and stomped off to the kitchen. He found North leaning against the counter, eating a bowl of cereal.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Tucker demanded.

"Tell you what?"

"That I've been keeping my leftovers in your fridge."

North chewed a mouthful of cereal slowly, swallowing it before saying, "I... thought you knew? Given that you left the food there? I'm not sure where you're going with this."

"Why would I label leftovers in your fridge if I didn't live here?! Why did no-one tell me?" Tucker yelled.

"Uhhh... well." North poked at his food for a moment before saying, "Huh. ...You are here a lot."

"You see? YOU SEE? I've sneak-moved in! I didn't even notice!"

"Hm. Seems that way," North said nonchalantly, still paying more attention to his cereal. "We should probably buy an extra bed for Junior so he doesn't have to stay in a sleeping bag. Probably need somewhere for you to sleep, too. You're not getting back cramps from the sofa or anything, are you?"

"Why are you so calm about this?"

"Should I be angry?"

"Maybe? I don't know!"

"Uh. Okay. How dare you," North said flatly.

"Ugh, don't patronize me. I dunno, it just feels like I should have been told, that's all. Or you should have been. I mean, South eventually told me, but... ugh, I dunno. I mean, sure. I've had people crash on my couch and basically live there without telling me for a bit. Church used to do that a lot when we were kids. He'd just go 'hey, assface, I'm sleeping on your floor today' and I just kinda accepted that.

"But people don't move in with children without asking. You know what that is? That's... that's like one step off from marriage, right there. It's weird. ...Are you following me at all here?"

There was silence. The only sound that could be heard was South messing around with the X-Box. She'd apparently got it working and found one of Tucker's games. Tucker could hear a shitton of gunfire.

"If you don't want to live here, you don't have to? If you do, I don't see what the problem is," North said finally.

"That's not the problem!"

"Then what is?"

"...I don't know!"

"Well, tell me when you do know. If it's a payment thing I wouldn't say no to you going thirds with me and South on the rent. If you're going to stay, anyway."

Tucker threw his hands up in the air. "I never said I wasn't gonna stay, I'm just confused as shit!" He paced for a few seconds before raising his hand. "Okay, look. If it were just me, I wouldn't question it at all. But—"

"But the 'one step from marriage' thing?"

"No, man. I mean... that, I'll deal with. It's weird, but I'll deal. It's just... I can't have you flip-flopping on this. I can't be uprooting Junior over and over. I'm not that kind of dad. If we stay, you can't be kicking us out again on a whim."

"I won't kick you out. Don't worry. I wouldn't do that without reason. Not to Junior. And not to you. Okay?"

"...Alright. No take-backs."

* * *

"I am so mad at you."

"You're always angry, asshole."

Tucker had turned up at the brothel. He still didn't have much of an interest in hiring anyone right now. Given that most of the best girls were off-limits now and... well, as far as guys went, he didn't have the urge to try out the other men and see if he was any more than 2% homo.

But annoying his friends was a hobby of his, and this especially went for Church.

"Yeah? Well, you're leaving me out in the cold here. You used to be a huge source of income. I can see the profits going down since you started babysitting for North. Look, I have a fucking chart." Church turned the piece of paper he was holding around. "Do you see this fucking chart? This chart says that you should get your ass back in gear and start fucking some hookers."

"Find new customers. Dude, you can't rely on me. What kind of shitty business is this if one guy quitting causes a decline?"

"Ugh. I just don't want to show this to Dad." Church glared down at the chart. "Alright, so it's not just you. People keep going over to the Staff of Charon instead. It'd be even worse, except apparently Wash is getting non-shit at his job and Florida keeps saying he's learned how to do some grapefruit thing—"

"Okay, I don't want to know."

"Also, Wash was angry because he found out you changed his measurements on the site again. He might not have noticed if you'd changed the numbers, but changing 'inches' to 'feet' was kind of obvious."

"I'm just talking him up, he'll thank me later."

"His words were something along the lines of how he was going to break you."

"Oh, he always says that." Tucker flopped into a spare chair, paused for a moment, then clambered off it in a hurry. "Have you and Tex been fucking in here again? I can sense that there's something horribly wrong with this chair."

Church coughed nervously. "Uh. A little bit. Might have... might have been in that chair."

"Who was sitting? You or her? If it was her, I'll deal. ...It was you, wasn't it? Tex seems the ridey sort."

"Uhhhh... yeah."

"And now I have to burn my pants. Great. Is there anywhere I can sit that hasn't had your bare ass on it?"

"Oh, like you have the right to complain about that. You hang around naked in your apartment—"

"I can't do that anymore. South thinks it's an invitation to throw things at me."

"Wow, I thought South was exaggerating. So you did get hitched? At least you have the decency to take your wedding ring off while you're visiting brothels. I'd bitch about you not inviting me to the wedding, but I wouldn't have gone anyway."

"You wouldn't have? Wow, Church. Way to be a dick. Also, no. I'm not married. No matter what the entire world seems to believe. It's just a mild commitment to raising kids together and occasionally doing each other."

"...That sounds like marriage."

"It's not marriage! Ugh, fuck it. Who cares what you think? Who cares what it is?" Tucker walked around the room until he found a different chair. He squinted at it, then sat down. "I'm not getting 'Church and Tex had rough, kinky sex' from this chair."

"How do you do that?"

"I have a sixth sense. Sexth sense?"

"God, nevermind." Church pushed back on his chair, watching Tucker carefully. "You're going to fuck it up, you know that? Whatever you're doing with North, you dragged kids into it. That means some long-term shit. With a guy. You are the most boob-obsessed person I know, and I'm pretty sure someone would have noticed if North had those."

"I don't have to give up women entirely, Church. I'm not a monk."

"How does that make sense?"

"We agreed that whoever we bang while not around each other won't affect shit. Long as I'm honest about it and don't lead any chicks into serious stuff without telling them about the family. Hookers don't care who I'm attached to as long as I pay, and Sister doesn't give a shit. So everyone's cool with it."

"Seriously? You can't just keep hiring hookers and having girlfriends on the side and claiming it's a healthy marriage."

"It's not a marriage! And like you're one to talk! Who the fuck are you to give me relationship advice? Your 'relationship' consists of hiring the same hooker over and over again, because you're too obsessed with Tex to let go of the fact that she clearly doesn't want to date you. And you're calling what I'm doing a bad idea?"

"Wow, fuck you. Going that low?"

"If calling you out on your bullshit is low then I'm winning a fucking limbo contest. Look, I'm... I'm happy with whatever this is. North's happy with what it is. My kid... both my kids... are happy with it. Even South could be grumpier about it. What more do we fucking need?"

Church shook his head. "And I thought some of the stuff Donut came out with was gay."

"Man, fuck you. ...Shit, that reminds me. I owe Donut fifty bucks because we had a bet going on whether North had eyebrows or not. I've been close enough now to say that he does. Barely visible ones. Yeah, I couldn't believe it either."

* * *

"Move over!"

North barely had time to look up from his book before Tucker divebombed on the bed. "...Well, that's an entrance. You change your mind about 'cuddling being too intimate' or what?"

Tucker rolled onto his side to look at North. "See, everyone thinks we're married. Which would obviously mean everyone's assuming we are as gay as we can possibly be. So I figure, you know... if people are gonna assume I'm getting the perks from this weird faux-marriage thing, then fuck yeah I'm going to get the perks. Which means we're gonna cuddle up and shit."

North carefully bookmarked what he was reading and put it on the bedside table before rolling onto his side as well. "You mean to say the only reason you didn't is because you thought people would say it's gay."

"Maybe."

"...You are ridiculously insecure."

"I'm improving! I've moved up from 'no homo' to '2% homo.' I'm like low-fat milk. Low-homo milk? And in the meantime you can roll with your wholehomo milk thing."

"Sounds fair."

"Besides. I was getting back cramps from the sofa and South kept using me as a footrest. And now I can sleep in the nude again."

"Always a bonus. To everyone involved."

"Bow chika bow wow." Tucker grinned, but the smile faded a bit as he looked at North. He was fine with this. Far more fine with it than he thought he would be. But it was sinking in as to how long-term this could potentially be.

"Hey, uh... you are alright with this, aren't you?"

North raised an eyebrow. "What's brought that on?"

"Nothing, really... I mean... I just want to make sure I'm not the only one who's cool with it. Because if you're thinking something like 'shit, I thought this guy was just a free babysitter and now it's too awkward to tell him to leave' then you can tell me that. Uprooting Junior will suck, but it's better than leaving after some bitter twenty-year-old sham sort-of-marriage and—"

North interrupted Tucker by grasping the side of his face. Tucker tailed off as a thumb rubbed gently against his cheek. North watched for a moment as Tucker blinked sleepily, then leaned forward and pressed their lips together. Short kiss. Soft. North pulled back, only to start pressing light kisses along his jawline. Tucker shivered pleasantly as North persisted gently exploring, pressing a little harder when Tucker let out small, content noises.

It didn't take long for Tucker to ruin the mood by pulling back a little, ducking his head down and muttering, "Jesus Christ, this is so gay." He'd gone bright pink in the face, but was attempting to hide it.

"Men kissing is gay, Tucker? I had no idea," North said dryly, brushing the shell of Tucker's ear with his finger. It felt tingly.

"Oh, shut up." Tucker grinned. "I guess that answers the question."

"You sure? I can confirm it again."

"Heh. I'm down with that. Hey, uh, I gotta ask you something, though."

"Sure."

"What's your actual name? Because this kind of feels like the aftermath of some weird Las Vegas wedding where I've woken up married to some showgirl I only know the stage name of."

"Oh." North looked kind of embarrassed. "North Dakota is actually my name. Same with South. We never bothered with fake names since our names sound so fake to begin with and fit in with the theme at work. I guess it's... luck? Maybe?"

"...Seriously? Your names are actually that?"

"Our parents thought they were funny."

"Your parents were dicks."

* * *

"Hah! Suck my dick, Tucker."

"Fuck! Stop running me over, you bitch!" Tucker yelled, pressing buttons on the controller in a futile attempt to stop his soldier from dying.

"Hey! The kids are home, quit swearing. I don't want Theta to get in trouble at school for asking any definitions," North said sharply, sitting on Tucker's other side.

Tucker cringed. He was normally good about censoring his language (at least while shouting) while the kids were home. But video games made him forget. As did arguing with South. Video games with South was an unbeatable combination.

"She started it," Tucker whined.

"That was directed at both of you."

Tucker glared bitterly at the screen as South backed the Warthog over his teal-armored corpse.

There were footsteps nearby. Theta had appeared in the doorway. He was lingering in an awkward way. It meant he wanted to ask something, but felt jittery about it for whatever reason. He was clinging onto a piece of paper. Junior was behind him, poking him in the back and signing at him in a reassuring but exasperated manner that suggested he just wanted Theta to get on with it already.

"Umm... Papa?"

North immediately climbed off the sofa. "Yeah, what's up? You need help with your homework? You usually don't, and honestly your schoolwork is usually beyond me, but if I can—"

"No! No, I already finished. It's not that." Theta offered North the piece of paper. Tucker turned to try and see it, but he couldn't read it from where he was sitting. He did see North frown.

"Theta, we talked about this last time."

"Can't you take time off work? Just once? I'll never ask again. But everyone else brings in one of their parents and I tried explaining your job but no-one gets it."

"Thank god for that," South muttered, as she shot Tucker's soldier in the face again.

"Oh, come on, I wasn't even looking!"

"That's not my fault."

"Are you avoiding it because you're embarrassed? You don't have to talk. When I have trouble explaining something, I use diagrams."

Tucker couldn't help it. He started laughing. "Just take the menu from work!" he giggled.

"Not funny." North covered his face with one hand, eyes shut. "I'm not embarrassed or ashamed of you. I just... adults don't like my job. It's difficult to explain in front of an audience."

"I thought your job was making adults happy."

"It's complicated. Look, I can't go. I would if I could—"

"But you can! You just won't." Theta took back the note. He looked like he was going to cry. He looked at the floor. Then he looked up again. He saw Tucker. He stared at Tucker for a long moment, then his face lit up. "Can I take Other Dad?"

North looked equally alarmed at this idea. "Uhhh..."

"I'll do it!" Tucker abandoned his controller, since South was just kicking his ass repeatedly anyway, and climbed over the back of the sofa. "I can totally do this. My job's socially acceptable and shit. Also Crunchbite wouldn't let me go to Junior's Parent Career Day."

" _That wasn't my idea. Pop said you were busy,_ " Junior signed.

"Yeah, I know that wasn't your idea. Wasn't blaming you, buddy. Seriously, North, I can totally do this."

"...Theta, can you let me and Tucker talk for a minute?"

"Okay... but I want him to say yes."

"I'm totally going to say yes."

"Just a minute, okay?" North said.

"Take over my controller. Kick South's butt," Tucker insisted.

"That's not fair," South grumbled. When Theta eyed her with a wary stare, she added, "Stop treating me like I'm going to bite. Just get on the damn controller. Or hand it over to Junior."

Junior walked over to grab it before Theta did. Theta ended up seating himself down on the other end of the sofa from South, silently watching.

Once they were settled, North gestured for Tucker to join him in the kitchen. Once they were there, North turned to him.

"Okay, look... I trust you as a parent and all—"

"But?"

"But you're not the most..." North hesitated, searching for a word. "...Diplomatic."

"That is bullshit, I'm diplomatic as shit."

"When I tried to explain to the landlady that I needed a couple more days to pay the rent, you tried to solve the problem by inviting her into a threesome. Which I was not even on board with, by the way."

"It was a suggestion! And you sleep with middle-aged women all the time, it's your bread and butter. I'd be taking a hit, too. She's no MILF."

"I'm just not sure you're going to handle this right."

"Do you want to disappoint Theta? Do I have to call him back so he can do that giant puppy eyes thing?"

"I didn't say no. I'm just asking—"

"I won't propose a threesome with the teacher, no matter how attractive she may or may not be," Tucker said, rattling off the words in a similar bored tone to a schoolkid repeating some oft-heard lesson.

"...I guess that'll do."

* * *

And that's how Tucker ended up standing in front of a class of children and their parents. Holding a soccer ball because he'd thought some props would be nice. He wasn't sure if they were required or not, but if he was going to do this he was going to put the fucking effort in.

"Sup, guys? I'm Tucker. And I need no introduction to most of you, because I am the best freaking soccer coach ever." He raised his hand near a kid sitting in the front row, who he recognised from his practices. "Yo, Jeffrey. High five." The kid obliged. "And a high five to Jeffrey's mother. Congratulations on your fine kid. Not to mention your fine physique. Call me." He probably shouldn't have said that. But North only said he couldn't hit on the teacher. Jeffrey's mother did not return the high five.

"So, what does a soccer coach do? If you have to ask, you're an idiot. If you're an idiot and don't want to admit it, I tell kids to kick this ball around a field. And to do it better than the other team. If they do, they get pizza. And everyone loves pizza."

"I don't."

"No-one asked you, Max!"

"Don't snap at my child!"

"Well, why'd you raise a pizza-hater, dude? Pizzas can have everything on them. What is he, allergic to bread? Or awesomeness? Anyway, he has no right to whine. He gets to eat all the garlic bread."

Another parent spoke up. "Wait, I know you! You let my son go joyriding in your car!"

"I didn't let him! He did that on his own. Kid is a mad pickpocketer and he stole my keys. Besides, he's fine. What's up, dude? High five. Driving skills improved yet?"

Yet another parent said, "You taught my son to kick the other team in the crotch!"

"As an emergency measure!"

Theta's expression had gone from happily proud to alarmed over the fact that not everyone thought his new dad was great. He mumbled under his breath for a moment, but he was unable to be heard over the growing argument between Tucker and most of the room. Finally, he raised his voice. It came out high-pitched and shaky, but it was audible enough to be heard.

"My other dad is also a babysitter sometimes. Papa hired him because he is always busy at his job."

The teacher, who had been looking mortified up until this point, seemed to latch onto this apparent step away from Tucker's job. "Yes, um... that's nice, Theta. Why don't you tell us about your first dad's job, instead."

"Oh, shit," Tucker mumbled under his breath.

"Papa gets visited by lonely people, and he makes them happy again. It is the oldest profession, which means it is a very important thing."

The kids didn't really respond to this. The adults, however, had all taken on expressions that were varying mixes of comprehension, awkwardness and, in many cases, disgust. Theta seemed to take the silence as a step up from conflict.

"My aunt also does that. Sometimes she and my dad work together."

Tucker could feel the awkwardness in the air. He couldn't have cut it with a light-saber.

"And that is how he and my other dad met!"

"I think they get the idea," Tucker said in a high-pitched voice.

"The disgusting idea," a parent sitting in the back of the room muttered.

"Shut up, man, I saw you hiring Florida! You know what I'm talking about—" Tucker grumbled.

"I didn't hire him! I mean, who is that?"

"Enough!" The teacher yelled. "Theta, thank you for the talk. Please sit down. You, uh... Tucker. Outside."

"Okay, okay."

Theta looked worried, and clung to Tucker's arm. "Why are they angry? What's disgusting?" he asked quietly.

"Don't worry about it. They're just being... uh." The word Tucker wanted to use was too rude for the ears of children. "Nevermind." Tucker ruffled Theta's hair. "Look, not your fault. Okay? See you at soccer practice."

"Okay..."

* * *

Tucker had thought that being called to the principal's office was something that he would never have to do again. He recalled the last time being, obviously, in high school. That had been for putting a picture of his junk and his phone number in the girl's bathroom. Of course, this time they made him wait for much longer because the school apparently thought calling North in was necessary.

North was going to murder him and no-one would ever find Tucker's body. Tucker had gone through the five stages of grief in the very long time it took for North to get there, and was now in a quiet stage of acceptance about his imminent death.

He was a fucking island of acceptance. In fact, when North appeared in the doorway, looking frazzled and mildly ax-murderer-esque, Tucker barely flinched.

"You can't kill me here. There's carpeting," he said. "It'd be rude."

North said nothing. But, oh man, if looks could kill there would be like a thousand evil-look bombshells about to land on Tucker's face.

They were called into the principal's office. There was a lot of questions. Prime among them was the status of the relationship between the two (Tucker had grumbled about "labels" while North had given the reluctant answer of "semi-partners") whether Tucker was actually a legal guardian (Tucker had said that legal was a strong word, but he hadn't kidnapped Theta or anything so he wasn't an illegal guardian) and about Theta's upbringing in general.

There had also been a lot of questions about North's job. What Theta knew about it, did North service these people within his own home and was it really appropriate to expose his children to it enough that Theta could describe the job to a class. North protested over and over that he exposed Theta to it as little as possible. That Theta didn't even know about the sexual part of the job.

The principal was still frowning at him throughout the explanation. Tucker stayed quiet, because any comment he thought of making would probably make it worse. He got some questions directed at him, too, but most of the ones related to Tucker were directed at North. Primarily, 'what is this lunatic doing in your house?' (Okay, so it wasn't phrased like that.)

In the end, the principal said he wouldn't call social services as long as the school councilor was allowed to talk to Theta and make sure he was okay. Tucker let out a sigh of relief. North didn't seemed relieved at all.

When they were let out, North walked off without a word. Tucker jogged after him.

"Okay, so I fucked up. It could have been worse."

No response.

"I mean, yeah, so the principal gave us some glares. But come on, like Theta's going to show any signs of discontent or whatever. You're fine. We're fine."

No verbal response, though North's hands were clenched into fists. Tucker decided it would be a good idea to keep talking anyway.

"I mean, it's really no big deal. Hell, in the case of the parents and principal you could consider it advertising," Tucker joked. North stopped and spun around to face him. Then he started shouting.

"You think this is funny? That it's no big deal? Oh, sure, there's no problems with Theta's entire class, their parents and now most of the school knowing that most of his family are prostitutes—"

"Well, if you keep yelling, you can add most of the northern hemisphere to that list—"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP, TUCKER!"

Tucker went immediately quiet. North glared murder at him for a moment, before continuing. He was shouting less. But Tucker really wanted to shrink right then.

"Not only do they know, but you made such a commotion that every kid and parent in that room will remember it. It'll stick in their minds until they're old enough to figure out what 'the oldest profession' means, even if they don't just Google it when they get home. Sure, Tucker. It's 'no big deal' that Theta is set up to be taunted relentlessly about it once it clicks."

"They won't—"

"Do you know nothing about kids? And this kind of subject matter? People just get even meaner about it as they get older. Don't you fucking tell me that no-one will ever bully him for this."

"Hey, I didn't even tell them! Theta told them!"

"He was trying to smooth over a bunch of arguments that you started, Tucker! I knew I shouldn't have let you go to this! I knew you'd mess it up!"

"Fuck you, at least I turned up!" Tucker snarled back. He'd been trying to hold back, but goddammit... that comment just hurt. "I was there, being the good dad, not wussing out like a baby and disappointing Theta. And where were you? Lying on your back, that's what!"

"And you've just proven my point. Thank you for sharing how you feel about my job, by the way."

"Shit, that's not what I meant!"

"What did you mean, Tucker? What did you mean? Were you making fun of my job? Or were you calling me a bad father?"

And now his voice was very quiet. But so chilly that Tucker felt like there was snow in his underpants.

"I..."

"You meant one or the other."

"I didn't say bad—"

"And given how badly you fucked up something as small as Parent Career Day, it's really rich coming from you."

"Okay, you know what? I don't even see enough of you back at the apartment to judge if you're a bad dad or not! You're never fucking there! That's why I became your cheap-ass live-in babysitter! So if I'm a bad dad, what does that make you? Even South would do a better job than you would—"

"Leave South out of this."

"What? Even you said she's not 'maternal' or whatever—"

"She was sixteen! Sixteen-year-olds aren't meant to be maternal!"

Tucker would have let that go by as just a very confusing comment, except that North got this expression like he had said something wrong. Like Theta the time he'd gotten frustrated at a video game and said 'damn.' Tucker squinted at him. "Okay, whatever I know about South, I know that she sure as hell is much older than sixteen."

North had gone paler than usual. "I was thinking about something else. Nevermind."

"No, seriously, what the fuck was up with..." Tucker trailed off. "...How old are you, North? I mean, how old are you and South?"

North didn't answer.

"I mean, I guess I never thought about it before, but... shit, you couldn't be older than twenty-five, could you? And Theta's... nine? Ten?"

Tucker recalled how quickly North would avoid any talk about the mother. And about how South said Theta was born.

_'Anyway, maybe there were a lot of assholes who were all, 'hey, you can't say you're gay unless you've tried straight sex, because how do you know?' It's absolute fucking horseshit—'_

Getting that mad over some asshole comments and jumping someone just to prove those assholes wrong... that was not like North. A move that impulsive and reckless over such a small thing? That had South written all over it.

"...Shit, you're not even the dad, are you?"

North still said nothing. That was the confirmation enough. If he was the dad, he would have loudly proclaimed it at that moment.

There was a full minute of silence. Then North turned around and left. Tucker didn't follow this time.

* * *

They didn't speak for an entire week.

They still shared a bed. Probably because exiling Tucker to the couch would require North to talk to him. But they lay there with their backs to each other and pretended like the other wasn't there.

The only times they spoke was when it was absolutely necessary. Generally in front of the kids, to try and fake like they hadn't had an argument. It wasn't fooling anyone. Theta kept looking guilty, while Junior just looked confused.

Theta asked more questions about it.

"Did I make you argue? Did the teachers get really mad? Is it my fault? Because I'm really sorry."

"Theta, stop. Nothing's wrong. And even if it was it's not your fault."

"Everything's wrong. You and Papa aren't talking and I don't want you to leave."

"No-one's leaving!"

"Hah, it'd take a lot more to dislodge Tucker from this apartment," South grumbled from the sofa. "Don't worry about it. They're both just being dipshits."

"Papa says no swearing," Theta said quietly.

"Dip... poops, then? What do I care? Stop asking questions and go do your homework or something."

Tucker silently observed South during this exchange. South noticed. Once Theta wandered back towards his room to go find his homework she said it outloud.

"The fuck are you staring at?"

"Nothing?"

"Better be nothing. Anyway. If you've got time to gawp at 'nothing' you've got time to fix whatever pissy argument you got into with my brother. I'm sick of you two pretending like each other doesn't exist. It's weird and awkward."

"It's not my fault," Tucker grumbled.

"I'm willing to bet it's mostly your fault, asswipe."

"I'm not even mad. He's avoiding me."

"Throw chocolates at him or something. He likes dark chocolate."

"Throw chocolates at him? He's not a chick."

"Everyone likes chocolate."

"True."

* * *

Tucker did not go with chocolates. Instead, after some careful planning on his part, he ambushed North one day with a bottle of whiskey. North, having barely arrived home from work, gave the bottle and Tucker a tired stare. Before he could walk off, Tucker started talking as fast as he could so he could get it all out before he was interrupted.

"Look, everyone in this apartment knows we're fighting, and honestly this is a fucking stupid argument anyway. Theta and Junior are at a friend's house and I told South to clear off for a few hours—she agreed as long as we'd 'try to stop acting like prissy over-sensitive bitches'—her words, not mine. The liquor's more bribery than anything. But one way or another, and as much as I hate to both hear and say these four words... We need to talk. Or shout. I mean, that's why I emptied the entire apartment. So we can shout without scaring the kids."

North crossed his arms, looking at the floor. He drummed his fingers against his arm before letting out a sigh.

"I don't need to shout. But I'm going to need the alcohol to get through this."

* * *

Turned out there wasn't much to say about the actual argument. Tucker admitted he'd fucked up. North agreed. Though he also agreed that the prostitution thing being mentioned probably would have happened eventually one way or another. Theta never really understood why it was a bad thing to tell people.

They also agreed that they'd both said some things they didn't mean, and that it was best to leave it at that. They reaffirmed that they were goddamn awesome dads. Or at least okay. Alright, so they mostly agreed that they hadn't caused any lasting emotional scars.

That was always good.

Turned out that North had gone from mad to just feeling awkward after a couple of days. He just hadn't wanted to talk about the whole 'not actually being the dad' thing. It took two glasses of whiskey to get to the point where he could start talking about it.

Even then, Tucker had to prompt him into it. He did so in his usual subtle way.

"So, what's up with this whole fake dad thing?"

"...I'm not a fake dad. I'm a father who just happens to actually be his uncle."

"That's a fake dad. Unless Theta knows about it."

"He doesn't. It's... it's a situation I don't want to have to explain yet." North tilted the whiskey glass a little, staring off into space. "Did you ask South?"

"What, and get my balls kicked so hard that they go inside me? Fuck that." Tucker leaned back on his chair. He was still on his first whiskey. "Look, you don't have to tell me. I was surprised and shit, that's all."

North looked over at Tucker. "...You sure?"

"Fuck, I'm curious, sure. But it ain't my fucking business. Doesn't change anything, does it?"

North looked back down into his cup. He let out a low, relieved chuckle. "I'd hope not. I'll tell you, okay? Just... just don't tell Theta."

"Deal." Tucker held his fist out. "I'll fistbump on it."

"That's not actually a gesture for promises."

"Why the fuck not? Fine, handshake. Lame." They briefly shook hands.

North still went silent for another half-glass of whiskey before gathering the nerve to talk about it. "So, you figured out the first part, right? I mean... South mentioned she kind of told you."

"She said you got frustrated at people saying you only liked men because you'd never tried girls, tried a girl to shut them up and got her pregnant. But it's South that did that, right?"

"We both got our share of shit. And, y'know... insults are one thing. And we were lucky enough to not get beat up. But South couldn't stand the patronizing 'you don't know better' stuff. So she went and tried to prove them wrong. And she made a mistake.

"She was fifteen and she didn't want to face it, so she kept staying stuff like 'people skip periods all the time' and 'my luck isn't so shit that the one time it happens...' Anyway, by the time she finally agreed to the pregnancy test, there was nothing we could do. She was too far along."

Tucker fiddled around with the glass. "So... who's the... see, I feel like 'dad' isn't going to be the right word."

North's face twisted into a terrifying expression. "Don't remember his name. It's where Theta picked up the eyes, but I don't remember much more than that. I remember going to him and saying he had to take responsibility for the kid. He wouldn't. He called South... he called her things I don't want to repeat. And I broke his arm and one of his ribs."

Tucker had been halfway through taking a drink, and choked on it. North was staring off into space again. He didn't seem to notice Tucker's spluttering.

"Jesus, North," Tucker coughed, once he could talk again.

"He should have taken responsibility. It takes two to make a child. He shouldn't have acted like it was all her fault. His fault, too. Shouldn't have called her things."

"You broke his bones."

"I lost my temper." North fiddled with the glass again. "Well... I paid for it, anyway. Got expelled. Barely avoided juvie. And that's how our parents found out South was pregnant."

"How'd they take that?" Thinking on the hatred both twins had for their parents, Tucker didn't imagine it was good. He was proven right.

"They threw her out. Fucked up thing is, they tried to say I could stay. I mean, South had sex with a guy. I beat a classmate half to death. Didn't seem right. Anyway, I... well, I just left with her. I mean, how could I do anything else?"

Tucker was watching North closely. "Please don't tell me this is why you started working the brothel." When North didn't reply, Tucker felt like vomiting. "You've got to be kidding me... you were fifteen! He didn't—"

"No, I didn't... I mean, even the Director didn't want under-aged kids working the brothel." North started scratching part of the table, frowning. "But he figured... well, make an investment back then and it'll pay off later. I tried to get a job at one of the other places he owned, and he... see, I'd been asking everyone who might have a job if they had a job available. He'd heard. Knew I was wandering about with my twin sister, currently sleeping on the sofas of whatever friends would let us stay for a few days.

"The deal he offered was that he would give us enough for the living expenses until we were of age. In return, we'd have to work for him. We'd owe him."

"...That's just as bad!"

"I didn't have a choice," North said defensively.

"Jesus, North, I'm not angry at you!"

North was still more focused on the table. "I didn't agree entirely to his terms. I said there'd be no 'we.' Only me. South wasn't a part of the initial deal."

"...That obviously didn't fucking last."

"Took her a while to find out. The Director gave me the money, and... well, she had Theta. And... god, I know the reason the Director gave us that money was skeevy as all hell, but... if we hadn't had it? If we'd been working proper jobs at the time? I don't know what might have happened.

"Neither of us knew how to raise a kid. We could barely take care of ourselves and suddenly there was this other kid that was always crying and screaming and pooping. I picked it up a bit easier. But South? She just... she couldn't handle it. Maybe she didn't have the ability to be that nurturing, maybe she was bitter because her life had been going fine until this kid happened... I don't know. It's not something I like to ask about.

"She just kind of snapped one day. I just found her yelling right back at Theta while he was crying. Screaming for him to just shut the fuck up for once. She sounded like she was a few seconds away from throwing him out the apartment window. I made her get some rest. Made her stay away from the apartment for a while. Took care of Theta by myself for a while. And then after that, I just kept doing it."

North drank most of his third glass of whiskey.

"Once South was... better... she started questioning me more on where this mysterious money was coming from. I tried to lie. It didn't work. And when she found out, she signed up by herself. Tried to talk her out of it. Her response was 'fuck you, North, I don't need to be taken care of.'"

Tucker nodded solemnly. South had pride. Having North make every sacrifice wouldn't have sat well with her.

"So... I guess that's it."

"...Are you ever going to tell Theta?"

"Probably one day. Once he's old enough to understand. Once I know how to explain it. I mean, how do you tell a kid 'your mother might have thrown you out the window because she couldn't deal with your crying' and not make it sound horrible?"

Tucker shrugged moodily. He frowned deeply, squinting at his glass, before staring North in the face.

"Quit."

North raised a barely visible eyebrow. "Eh?"

"Quit. I'll help pay for shit, but... that's fucked up. He shouldn't be allowed to do that. I can... I can help. I mean... not in a sugar daddy way or anything. Just a... I mean, you can be a stay-at-home husband. In a... not actually married way. Or get a different job. I can cover you until you get a different job."

North propped his chin on his hand, staring at Tucker with a mildly confused expression. "Just quit? You realise it's not that simple, right? The Director tied me and South up into a lot of contracts. I still haven't paid off what I owe him."

"Fuck him and his contracts! That shit's gotta be illegal, you can't just..."

"Tucker, calm down."

"You calm down!"

"Look, I probably made it seem worse than it is. Yeah, I hate my job sometimes. But it's not... it's not that bad after the first few times."

"Not that ba—you're quitting."

"I can't quit."

"North, come onnnn..."

"Look, if your offer still stands when the deals I have with the Director ends, I'll consider it. Fair? Besides, I doubt you can support a two-child family on two afternoons a week of soccer practice and whatever tips Caboose gives you for the stock market."

"I hate it when you make sense." Tucker propped his elbows on the table, leaning on one hand. "Hey... North?"

"Yeah?"

"...I feel like these talks should have happened before we moved in together and ended up assumed by most as married."

"Moving too fast?"

"It's a horrible web of commitment, yeah. I mean, I'm down with it. But it's a horrible web of commitment. Like, do you know how much effort I put into avoiding getting too involved with my high school girlfriend? And I thought I was in love with her because she was the first girl who let me touch her boobs. But with you it's like 'hi, babysit once' and suddenly marriage."

"I am a diabolical person."

"Fuck right you are."

"Speaking of which." North grinned and pointed at Tucker with the hand holding the mostly-empty whiskey glass. "I told you how Theta happened. Now you have to tell me how you and that big, blue-haired guy are both Junior's biological fathers."

"Aw, man."

* * *

"Hey! Hey, asswipe! FILSS, let me into Church's office. Come on!" Tucker yelled, hammering on the door. His words were directed at the small, glowing panel that was next to every door at the Mother of Invention.

"I am sorry, but I cannot unlock this door. Church is busy," FILSS said.

"Yeah, I bet. Hey, Church! If you don't open the door I'm gonna tell Carolina you're fucking Tex again."

There was silence. Then he heard Church hiss, "Alright. I'll open the fucking door."

When the door eventually opened, Tucker found Church sitting at his desk like nothing had happened. Which would totally be convincing if 1) his clothes were very obviously rumpled and 2) Tex wasn't in there as well, lacing up her boots. Tex seemed unperturbed by the interruption, just grunting as a greeting, but Church was clearly pissed off and embarrassed.

"What the fuck do you want, Tucker?" he growled.

"Tell me you didn't know."

"About what?!"

"About how your sick, twisted fuck of a dad got the Dakotas working here!"

"Why would I care? It's not my job to ask."

"Because it's fucking sick and I'm sure it's gotta be illegal in some way."

Church and Tex glanced at each other. Tex just shrugged back at him. "Hey, I'm not getting involved. If the Director ever gets called out on his bullshit by the cops, then I'm claiming I didn't know anything. You can't claim that, you do the accounts."

"Right! You'd know they have debts and shit," Tucker snapped.

"I don't know why. I don't ask why. It's none of my fucking business."

"Does this entire place run on your dad waving money at teenagers when they can't pass it up?"

"I don't even know what you're on about!"

"It doesn't." That was Tex. She propped up her feet on Church's desk, despite Church grumbling. "The Director goes to special lengths sometimes. Depends on the person."

"How the fuck do you know that?" Church grumbled. "Why do you know more than me?"

"Because I fucking talk to the other prostitutes? Well, North and York, anyway."

"I should call the cops or something," Tucker said, crossing his arms.

"Even if whatever's going on is illegal there's no proof. You think you're the only one who's gotten suspicions? We keep getting cops knocking on the door because the Chairman keeps pushing for anything that'll get the place shut down."

"Tex, stop telling Tucker things!"

"Hey, I don't give a shit if he gets the place shut down."

"Ugh. Look, what the fuck do you want from me?"

"Can you fix it so North and South can quit?"

"Contracts aren't my job! I deal with numbers! Numbers, dipshit. Not contracts."

"I think it's debt-related."

"I'm not throwing myself in Dad's way just because you're fucking North. You want whatever they've got cleared? You take it up with the Director. And I ain't backing you up. No-one will back you up. And I don't think he'll be very sympathetic about it." Church shrugged. "It's how shit works, okay?"

Tucker responded by moodily kicking a piece of furniture. "Whatever. Fuck you. Don't tell North why I was here."

He left in a huff. He turned back after a moment, but not to talk to Church. He stopped in front of FILSS.

"Hey, FILSS. You keep a record of clients and regulars and shit, right?"

"Affirmative."

"Remove me from it. Fuck this place."

"Affirmative. Removing 'Lavernius 'Asshole' Tucker' from the list of current regulars."

"Who gave me that nickname?!"

"Multiple members of the Mother of Invention."

"Bastards."

* * *

Tucker would have liked to say that he went to the Director or to the police, and somehow got both the Dakota's messed up debt taken away and any other creepy operations like it shut down. But that didn't happen. What really happened was the Mother of Invention lost one customer, North caught wind of what Tucker had been doing (because Tex had not bothered to keep it a secret) and he made Tucker promise not to do or say anything else, because 'he still had bills to pay.'

So nothing happened. And that kind of sucked.

After the disaster that was Parent Career Day, a lot of kids were pulled out of Tucker's soccer team. But just as many replaced them because word about potential free pizza had gotten around. Theta didn't face any trouble at school, if only because the children still didn't know what the oldest profession was. Maybe they'd figure it out. Or maybe they'd forget.

All in all, nothing important happened at all.

But Tucker had somehow gotten an extra kid, an angry semi-sister-in-law and a not-really-a-husband-or-even-a-guy-he-was-actually-in-love-with-but-he's-alright-and-he-looks-good-in-a-skirt guy. Junior had three dads altogether now, and he was really happy about that. Theta was happy to have at least one dad around pretty much all the time. South was... well, not happy. South was rarely happy. But she didn't throw Tucker out the window or anything.

And North... well, North stopped ignoring him after they talked it out and they went back to their state of mutual friendship with banging and occasionally cuddling. And they gave up on trying to correct people who assumed they were married.

It was awesome.

And that was alright, as far as stupid events went.


End file.
